Does anybody really know what time it is?

 So it is 5 something on this Sunday, after the clocks were turned back to Standard Time, from Daylight Savings Time. This arbitrary changing of time feels so wrong.  

Many people and their governments have different ideas about this annual change. Two years ago Washington state passed a law to keep Daylight Savings time on an annual basis, with no changes in Fall or Spring.  Our province of BC in Canada looked at a similar law.  

But this state law was never enacted,  as it requires Federal Congressional approval.  As we know, getting Congress to agree on anything beside raising their own pay is near impossible.  And BC would never make a change unless Washington, Oregon and California all made the same change, as that would cause nothing but chaos.  

Personally, I have always had challenges with sleeping, but especially since this past month after my surgery. Truth be told I have always had sleep issues.  From a young age, I tried to stay up late and get up early.  What is it about night and sleep that bothers me?   

Is is a fear of the dark, or a fear of missing out?  Is there a relationship between my reading encyclopedias under the covers with a flashlight and waking at 3 in the morning on Christmas?  

I remember a time in my teens, I was leaving a house party around 4 in the morning.  I was surprisingly loud, and woke one of the neighbours. 

“ Do you know what time it is?”

I replied at top volume, singing Chicago’s hit,  “ Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really know …..about time?”  

Needless to say my drunken existential humour was lost on the sleepy homeowner.   Being serenaded by an asshole singing Chicago at 4 am is not on most people’s bucket list.  

I grew up in the Sixties, which was a very different time. In the Sixties, we had crazy TV shows like The Time Tunnel, with former Beach Blanket star James Darren, where these two young scientists who invented the time tunnel accidentally become trapped and travel through time into different historical events and the future.

We also had My Mother, The Car, where someone’s mother is brought back to life as a ….car. 

Then there was It’s About Time, where time travelling astronauts are sent back to the caveman age. 

This sitcom nonsense went hand in hand with race riots, assassinations, War in our living rooms, the Sexual Revolution and The Beatles. 

Seriously, time and lack of sleep can really mess with your health, reducing your …ahem…time on this planet. Lack of sleep is a major cause of heart issues, as you might expect, as your heart is the body’s timekeeper.  Nobody fucks the drummer and gets away with it. 

Drummers are the first to arrive and the last to leave. They have the most gear to set up and tear down. It is not uncommon for drummers to play other instruments as well.  Drummers are the original multitaskers.   

To summarize,  we’ve gone from clocks, to TV to drummers. Is is any wonder that I can’t sleep?   Actually, I have spent about 90 minutes ruminating and either have to make coffee or go back to bed. 

Don’t get too excited.  I only drink decaf. 

Building a new monster, by popular demand.

“ 

You might think this is the finest pearl

But it's only cardboard balls

Seamed in glue

Overwhelming technique

Done t' diligence

It's all happening from the inside, you say?
Done from the inside
Where it barely shows on the outside
It's remarkable

I think this is the best batch yet
We don't have to suffer, we're the best batch yet
Baked in special, we're the best batch yet
White flesh waves to black”. 

Don van Vliet, Doc at the Radar Station

In this long process of recovery and rebirth, there is work going on that can be seen from the outside. There is also an interior work and life changes that are also happening.  A metamorphosis of methodologies.  

What we have here is an opportunity, dare I say, a once in a lifetime opportunity to build a better monster. I know….many of you liked the old monster, as did I. But that clogged creature is gone, replaced with spare parts. “Cardboard balls seamed in glue…” 

But the sky is blue ( in my dreams) and the road goes beyond the horizon, over the ice wall, past the double rainbows to a land I can only imagine. We have the keys to the convertible. The top is down, and the hood is up and open.  Tools out.  

Some minor tinkering after the major overhaul. I am informed in a very real and physical way that changes must be made to prolong this show. As such, we have been making alterations to the script. Some cuts are deep and you may need a program to familiarize yourself with the changes, but many of you will hardly notice. And if the results are positive, then notice you will, as the run will be more than the measured walk that I currently am engaged in.  I am committed to the character, as I understand this character as if he were myself. I long to be kissed by fortune and held over due to popular demand. “

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” 
― Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein

Please allow me to confess, and get this off my bifurcated chest. There was a cookie, a small cookie, with a silly name, slathered in dulce de Leche. I dreamed of this cookie for two days, it being the last cookie.  Dare I break my self imposed hiatus from these temptations or simply misplace the manual for a short time?  “There seems to an edit in the tape, an 18 minute gap. He said it was his secretary Miss Woods, who through no maliciousness, accidentally turned off the machine for about 18 minutes.  This brief interlude provided sufficient time to consume the said snickerdoodle, so none’s the wiser.  Keep this on the hush-hush. 

OK. Nobody is perfect. I will own that one.  But for the sake of the long program, the small temptation has been removed, as I removed it. Truth be told I shared it with my sister, who made said cookie and Dulce de Leche.  It was delicious and the memory haunts me to this day.

 “It is true, we shall be monsters, cut off from all the world; but on that account we shall be more attached to one another.” 

― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

It is amazing just how much closer I have become to my darling love. How fortunate I have been to enjoy her nutritious meals and love and encouragement. 

I recall the early days back from the hospital when she hand washed me in the shower, me sitting on a chair so I did not fall down.  

There is less of me to love, as I am about 20 lbs lighter.  The bags under my eyes must have weighed a few lbs, but they are disappearing too.  

And everyday, a few more steps.  Now the muscles and skin and other secondary concerns are undergoing changes, with some pains and difficulty as expected, but all of this is acceptable as part of the process to build this new monster. 

Please note, I am accepting friend requests, ( except the Soviet porn girls that Zuckerberg keeps suggesting) real calls, texts, bowls of soup, money, NFTs, bitcoin.

If I am tired, I will simply tell you, and you can come back another time.  

New slogan: Scars before Bars.  

Fun fact: New monster doesn’t drink.  

If you owe me $, now is a good time (living on 50%). 

In the beginning was desire

“There was a merciless gnawing in my chest, a queer silent labor was going on in there. I pictured a score of nice teeny-weeny animals that cocked their heads to one side and gnawed a bit, then cocked their heads to the other side and gnawed a bit, lay perfectly still for a moment, then began anew and bored their way in without a sound and without haste, leaving empty stretches behind them wherever they went.” 

― Knut Hamsun, Hunger 

In the beginning was Desire

An eternal wanting 

A craving that comes wrapped in a God- shaped hole

A coming together of egg and sperms

Shooting sparks from embers of creation into Obsession

A flaming drive combusts, 

Desires more, must burn more,  has unquenchable wants. 

That frontier drive when 

God sent destiny to take more than was needed

A drive to where, to what end, 

We must get somewhere fast

Or burrow down, and the push to escape, to hide, to cover up these raw truths.

A revelation of unbridled ambitions, 

Births an embarrassment of riches, and

Herds of wild horses are shamed by their unbound privilege 

Running free when loss is all around us

The shame drives the want inside. 

So we hide behind the masks we make

Masks that cover the faces that we wear just to get through a day

Masks that dampen the sounds of the gnawing inside 

Our hidden beast that we feed scraps 

is a manifestation of our extreme hunger

Even the very idea of hunger

is vast and mewling.

It becomes worse in what seems like 

The endless night

You can’t sleep - sleep is denied tonight.

Is your mind overcome with visions that disturb your slumber?

No, just a download of useless details

You are Literally drowning in yourself

Crawling with this infestation of memory and observation

At the core, the Queen is still. 

Is she still alive? Is she sleeping? 

The worker bees, ants, wings and legs

Moving together as one, now in the throws of death

Their craving of nectar is killing them

They were programmed to collect, to build, 

to serve and protect the monarch who will survive for another day.

But the drones are doomed to be echoes of their former zeal

They have reached their end

There are no second acts for this group

Their parts have been played and slowly,

Slowly, one by one, they stop moving.

Time doesn’t stop

Ever

Time is infinite and unknowable 

When we are young there is so much time 

And we grow

Expand our minds

Push further to the Horizons

We play in the glow of 

The double rainbow. 

But sooner than we can imagine, there comes the day 

when more becomes too much.

And there is a reckoning

And through great efforts, 

Even Heroic efforts, 

Change happens even when unwanted

Change is forced

Not through revolution 

but witness the building of a better monster

This time the creature will listen and learn. 

Inside the creature, there are all the same old parts

Just shuffled and juggled, and glued in different ways 

There is a desire to create 

or is it an act of salvage?

Now what?

You have your damned restart

You get the best makeover money can buy

You are expected to build a better person

Expected to take the disparate parts

And heal and mold them into a new golem. 

So you reflect, and review and slowly you become the new you

The better you

And while the transformation is fresh and not yet complete, 

you can feel your bones growing back together

You can see the wounds are healing, 

and you are learning to recognize a new person in the mirror

You have changed

On the surface

You have changed

And now you think about what needs to change on the inside

To make these outward changes take effect

To makes the changes reflective of more than just another healing phase.

And you think about what and who you want to be

And once again 

You are back at the beginning 

You are back to want

And desire. 

The Wink of a Hummingbird

 

Hummingbirds have forgotten the words……

On Friday, I saw a hummingbird hovering near my sliding glass door window.   I took this as a good omen, as it is said that when a hummingbird visits you, it brings good news. 

When passing through difficult times, the hummingbird tells us that the difficult times are over. Also, if they visit after someone's death, it means that you will heal. The hummingbird represents a reminder to follow your dreams without letting obstacles stop you.

Hummingbirds are magical creatures, rarely seen, with the ability to hover and almost stop in mid flight, then dart away, never to be seen again. Their little hearts are some of the hardest working hearts in the great show that is life.

How fast does a hummingbird's heart beat? Their hearts can beat as fast as 1,260 beats per minute. For example, my heart is beating about 69-79 beats per minute.  For reference, average disco song is about 120 bpm.  

After bypass surgery, it is important to reduce the possible strain to the patient’s heart.  Generally, this goal is accomplished through two drugs, a beta blocker, and an ACE inhibitor. 

One of the drugs they use to accomplish this is metoprolol, the beta blocker, which works by blocking catecholamine-induced increases in heart rate, in velocity and extent of myocardial contraction, and in blood pressure. Metoprolol reduces the oxygen requirements of the heart at any given level of effort.   In short, it slows everything down. 

Another is ramipril,  which is an ACE inhibitor, (Angiotensin-converting enzyme) inhibitor.   This medications helps relax the veins and arteries to lower blood pressure.

The end result is the system slows down, giving it time to heal.  A side effect of these two medications is low blood pressure, which makes you feel dizzy and unbalanced when you stand too quickly.  

After my operation, many friends wished me a speedy recovery. But the reality of the healing could not not be further than that truth.  It is a long recovery, not one with speed, but with time and focus. 

Many years ago, I had an interesting man who was my boss. He considered himself an entrepreneur.  His favourite saying was a definition of success that goes like this:

SUCCESS IS THE PROGRESSIVE REALIZATION OF A WORTHY IDEAL.

 He would stress two aspects of this saying.  Progressive- meaning incremental progress, not overnight success, and is the way to build something sustainable.  Worthy ideal- meaning something you personally feel is important.   

He said for him that a worthy ideal was the accumulation of money ( no hidden agenda).  But for me, he related, a worthy ideal might be something more altruistic, and for him, that was ok too, as long as his goal of making more money was accomplished.  From the days we met, I would see him buy many companies, and often he would keep the existing management team, just refocusing them on his short and long term goals. It was always a considered expansion aiming to create a larger company or companies, working toward similar goals. And twenty years down the line, his strategy has been very successful.   All because of his focus on Progressive and Worthy.  

As much as I appreciate calls for a speedy recovery, please don’t expect me to have a speedy recovery.  My goal is to have a progressive recovery toward the worthy ideal of creating a better person, who ideally, will be here for many more years.  

Perhaps, I will be more like the hummingbird, who hangs in the air, and gives you wink, then whooosh, is gone to search for more nectar.   

I Wake Up Sneezing…From hospital to home….the transition.

 I just sneezed. No big deal, right? 

Now try that with your sternum recently wired back together. 

Coughing is excruciating, and laughing can be a roll on the floor crying. 

But sneezing is sudden and explosive.  The pain reverberates, crashing in your chest cavity, slamming your rearranged lungs into your redesigned heart. Probably some other organs too.

Walking is a painful challenge as I still have a fresh healing 14” wound/ scar on my left leg from the knee to the ankle. It generally gets a bit better as the day goes on.  Mornings or middle of night situations feel as if I cannot put any weight on it. And it’s not because I am overdoing things. 

So far, I am only hobbling from bed to chair, to couch to bathroom. Three times a day I try the hallway walk. Then I’ m exhausted again. 

But every day a bit better.

What about nights?

Seventy percent of heart surgery patients experience sleep difficulties after surgery.  In the hospital, my desire to sleep was compromised by the sounds of the guy in the bed next to me, his CPAP machine, a nice gurgling wave like noise, air going in and out with a mechanical pattern, punctuated with groans, swearing, big flappy farts etc.

One morning a guy down the hallway was screaming I CAN’T SEE!!! 

Only to have the nurses tell him that he had strawberry jam on his nose.

One of the nights toward the end of stay in the hospital, I was trying to wean off the opioids. Around  9 pm the nurse came in to see if I had what I needed.  I said I understood we were weaning, going from two morphine pils to zero was a bit a of jump.  I was consumed with anxiety.  It was like every cell was alive shouting me, me, me.  She said they were too late to get the morphoids, and would I like to try a melatonin?  

My inside voice screamed WHAT THE FUCK-  what the fuck is a stupid over the counter “ natural” supplement going to do to help me with coming off the opioid dependency  that they  had facilitated?  

My polite Canadian patient said instead, sure.  Let me try.  I need something. 

I closed my eyes and the movies began. 

Nonsensical never-ending, rapidly changing images.  

Brazil.  

Why? 

As the hairdresser said, Who the gel knows.

Eyes closed, you are strapped in. 

The wheezing of the CPAP. Gassy flaps, lights on. Lights off. 

Crazed but boring, just plain exhausting images parade inside my eyes.

This dream is like a release of effluent.  Not art. No memory of it, thank god, 

Awake again about 90 minutes.  What a fucking night. 

Relentless. Boring. Painful, No Control or Relief.  

At one point I shifted on the hospital bed and could no longer find the call buzzer. 

Around six in the am, my feet were uncovered and freezing.  The sheets were tied around me,

I grabbed one of the blankets and tried in a very weak and unsteady way to try to “ shake the sheet”. 

What a stupid mistake! It was like a knife was stabbed in my back.  Self inflicted jab to the left shoulder blade.

I lay back and should have done the adult manly version of crying.  But instead,  I was too exhausted and in too much pain now to even cry. 

That was seven days ago, and my shoulder blade is still fucked and in pain.

So sleeping from home is definitely better. It took me about three days to find the right sleeping positions. First consideration is finding best position to breathe. Then the chest must be situated to allow not only for optimal breathing, but also for escape when being in that position no longer works.  

Nothing is static in sleep.  And don’t forget that the leg with the wound has yet to find a place where the wound is supported, but not touching too much. 

As I said before, coughing or sneezing or laughing are all very painful. Now imagine how a full night of that lingers and intensifies, then just transfers to the next shift.  

There is no zeroing.  

However, there is sleep enhancement. 

The little pill dissolving beneath your tongue.  

This minor relief gives maybe 2-4 hours.  

In the night shift, brief respite beats relentless. 

And every day and every night is a bit better. 

. 

My Heart is Full of Love The Cardio Diaries part 1

 

My Heart is Full of Love

We all have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.”  
Confucius

“This was not what I had planned”.  

This statement was uttered by my Father upon learning we had to move him to what essentially was hospice care.  These were the words that came to my mind at that moment that I learned I had to have a triple bypass back in May of this year.

“This was not what I had planned”.  

Well sometimes plans change. 

They go out the window.  

Time for a New page. 

Next. 

This news was in May, and then I waited two and a half months for a cancellation. Last week I got the call.

It was a different surgeon, then a different date, then another different surgeon.  I had to leave work then and there to get a new Covid test.  The next day, the results were not available,  so before my surgery, I got another Covid test.  

In terms of pain and discomfort, the Covid tests were no fun, but the repeated catheters - that is special kind of pain. 

There is a long swoop of a scar on my left leg from the knee to the ankle. That is where the veins were harvested. There is a very thin red line down my chest, where they sawed my sternum open. The sternum is banded together at the end of the operation with wires that will live with you as long as you live. Mortality rates for this operation are about 1-2 %.  Mortality rates after ten years go up more dramatically.

I am considering this operation a rebirth. 

Time for steel in my sternum.

Today I am under construction. 

 

 

My Heart is Full of Love : part 2

Young Physiotherapist comes into my hospital room a few days ago.

 I am on my phone. She says what are you doing?

I said looking at a video on how to breathe.

I should have said. Learning how to breathe properly, as I have not learn to do so so far in my life.

She kind of rolled her eyes in full on millennial scoff.

Well, here’s a video we have made for aftercare.

Ok.

I am making these blog posts to educate myself and others while talking myself through the emotions.

About 1 in 12 Canadians over the age of 20 live with some form of heart disease.

12 Canadians die every hour from diagnosed heart .

Mortality is 3x higher among adults age 20+ with diagnosed heart disease vs those without.

Death is 4x higher among adults age 20+ who had a heart attack vs those without

Death is 6x higher among adults age 40+ with diagnosed heart failure vs those without

HOW HEART DISEASE AFFECTS MEN AND WOMEN DIFFERENTLY

MEN are 2 times more likely to suffer a heart attack than WOMEN

MEN are newly diagnosed with heart disease about 10 years younger than WOMEN 65 to 74 years

When I was having my bypass surgery I was struck by the contrast of the many young  nurses 25-35, and the almost 95% male patients ranging from my age to 80 plus.  There were white guys, and Asian man, a south Asian man.  Probably a range of religions, and monetary status in life.

What was the leveller?  We will get into that. 

So what can you do to protect yourself?

#1. Be smoke free

This is #1.  QUIT SMOKING. I am not a smoker.  A few cigars in the 90’s. a pack of Gitanes that I bought after treating myself to a French meal on my 19 years old first salary.  Infamously, the waiter was called over to the table of a diner who was having the Creme de tomates. 

Diner: this soup tastes like Campbell’s Tomato Soup!

Waiter: Yes Monsieur,  it is Campbells.

The chef thinks Campbell’s makes a very fine soup!

Also dope is still smoking without filters, and no, the used card from the Zig zag papers is not a real filter.

#2 Stay physically active    This advise from a guy who ran only for the bus or theoretically if being chased by a bear.  Active can mean walking, which besides being good for your physical Health, walking is also great for you mental health. 20 minutes a day or 150 minutes weekly. That should not be hard. 

#3.  Don’t eat the bear, instead choose to eat a healthy diet. What is healthy? We’ll get there. Without lots of details, healthy eating is eating better food, but less of it.  Lots of vegetables which are also so much cheaper than meat now. I have to state my experience with eating bear is limited.  Now crow? That is a different story.

4#. Maintain a healthy weight  Notice it says maintain. If you are not a healthy weight already, start with portion controls and eliminating the stuff that is crap from your diet. You know it is crap, and yet you still eat it. Specifics? We will get there.

#5.   Limiting alcohol use    I know. Very rich coming from me. But reduction is possible.if you are drinking to get drunk, then you need to look at why you need to be drunk?  Do you it just catches up on you?

Do you eat more and drink more with friends?  Do you regret what you might have said or did the night before. 

EARLY DETECTION:

Effective management of serious medical conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes and high cholesterol can help you reduce your risk of heart disease.

My personal road to recovery and a better life is as follows:

Everything I have ever done before this day is now open to review, reflection, and change if necessary. 

Trust me, change is coming.

DATA SOURCES & ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC), using CCDSS data files contributed by provinces and territories, as of May 2016. Data from Yukon were not available. These data were made possible through collaboration between PHAC and all Canadian provincial and territorial governments, and expert contribution from the CCDSS Heart Disease Working Group. This infographic was developed by PHAC; no endorsement by the provinces and territories is intended or should be inferred.

Learn more about heart disease by visiting the Public Health Agency of Canadaat www.phac-aspc.gc.ca and Heart and Stroke Foundation at www.heartandstroke.ca